|
|
|
January 3rd, 2006
05:18 pm
i havent updated in ages and i cldnt be fucked trying to remember what i have been up to since i last updated.
but yeah basically my christmas was shit. it was goin to my aunty margies house for christmas turn this year. i hate that cause at least here i can watch foxtel or a dvd or come on the comp or whateva i cant do that there.
it wasnt all that bad as taylor decided that it was so much fun opening her presents that shed open everyone elses too. i got a necklace with a dragon around a pentgram, a bag with a pentagram on it, a ring, money, chocolate and remote controlled car which i have wanted since i was a kid. of course when the batteries finally charged i was looking forward to using it but it would hardly turn so i got a bit annoyed and upset about that. my aunt reckons i ruined christmas because of that bull fucking shit everyone else was fine.
but then on boxing day in the morning we went to find another remote controlled car so we ended up gettin to my auncle bobs a tinch later then everyone else. mind you when we arrrived my sis natalie had only just arrived before us. we walk in and everyone stops talkin and turns to stare at us. no one said anything to us mum had to say hello to my cousin first. my mother also asked 3 for someone to go and help my dad get the rest of the shit out of the car. then mum needed to use the bathroom and i wanted to find a phone number. walked past margaret who said hello in a snotty way so i waved to her. then just when mum got out of the bathroom and i was finding the number margaret came up and said what the fuck is wrong with you two and mums like nothing and we were like wtf. she reckons i just went hhmmpphhhh and didnt say hello. im like i waved so she had a bitch about that, that she would rather people actually say hello to her WTF? but if i did say hello i wldnt have been fully fakeass cherry so then i wld have gotten in trouble for that. i open my mouth i do something wrong i dont open my mouth and i still do something wrong. and then she started goin on about mum goin upstairs like straight away cause roly needed to tell us something about bob and mums like i needed to use the bathroom is that such a crime.
then because she was bitching so much and then started blaming me for everything i went back down grabbed my bag and started walking home, which i swear was not a smart idea.
dad came to get me but i was like fuck you i hate you all and kept walking. then mum and dad picked me up cause they were leaving. my bitch of an aunt started a huge fight and was apparently draggin my mother across the yard by her dress and hurt my mothers broken toe and then my fuckhead of a cousin threatened my mother. i swear if i was there and i saw my aunt doing that to my mother i wld have told her that she better let go of my mother and never touch her again or else i will not hold back like i did last time the bitch pushed me. so yeah thanks to my immature bitch of an aunt we now have nothing to do with them all over a fucking wave and needing to use the bathroom how pathetic.
of course my sister being the gutless wimp she is did not stick up for my mother when all this was happening she just sat there and didnt even say to roy (asshole cousin) to leave her mother alone. but see margaret always said that mum had natalie for her well i guess now shes got her doesnt she. so mum has disowned natalie for that and shes really disappointed in her too. im not talkin to natalie either cause she didnt just not stick up for her own mother she also didnt stick up for her own sister. so now she doesnt have a mother or sister anymore. and she doesnt have a personal babysitter. we've done so much for her and this is the thanks we get. we always looked after taylor while they went out drinking which we didnt have to. and really the only time we ever saw her was to drop or pick up taylor or use the net that was it.
funny thing is though the only thing that really does make me sad is that i wont get to see taylor anymore.
and then new years fuck that was shit too. chaz didnt get her 18+ card but we tried the depot anyway. they wldnt accept a student id card which i think is stupid cause there is no where that states that you must have either a license/learners or 18+ card. and arent the schools owned by the government and the schools issue those cards so technially isnt it a government id anyway. plus it also has her bday and pic on it so i dont see the big deal.
so then we caught a train back and went to jasons which i ssoooo didnt want to do as i knew it would be boring and id be the oldest one there. there was like 10 people there all of them were those pathetic little wannabe poser goths. im more fucking goth then all of them combined. even jason has always seemed like a bit of a tryhard to me. i am really what goth wears an anarchy shirt. all the punks i know wld but not the goths. and what goth wld wear a ramones shirt really once again punks yes goths no. and see like i never call myself just a punk or just a goth or just a hardcore kid i always admit im into everything. yet these kids only call themselves goth.
jason was also making out with some ugly slut as well and i thought chaz wld be upset enough to leave, i was wrong. i was so bored and annoyed that i had like a look of death on my face and everyone was afraid of me even my friends wldnt even give me a hug cause they were scared id kill them. i just wanted to be with people my age and older even at the depot dancing and drinking and having fun not stuck at a crap party with a bunch of wannabe poser goth kids so of course i was pissed off. i was the oldest one there, there was chaz, jason and arthur who were like 18 or close to it and the rest were like 16 so not my idea of fun for new years.
all in all it was a shit christmas and new years and i hope this year is better then last. i have a new vampire book so thats a start i guess.
|
November 30th, 2005
08:54 pm
ok so not knowing something when you really want to know if your wasting your time or not can really drive you insane. ever since i met ollie and talked to him about photography ive had him on my mind. i had a good chat to him and he was really nice. at one point i was kidding myself and thought that he was looking at me as i cld see him looking in my direction out of the corner of my eye as amity came out. then he said that hell see me at some other show, as before he left i had another chat to him and introduced myself.
i had no idea when id see him next so that was kinda gettin on my mind alot as i also thought of more questions about photography i would have liked to have asked. then at the wings show i saw this guy who looked so much like him but i really wasnt sure if it was or not. im not one to interrupt people unless i know them a bit more so i was waiting for a chance to go up and for me to stop being such a friggin wimp, that never happened though. this guy also happened to be in the wrath and im like hhmm not sure if it is him or not.
so i added them onto myspace, the guys name is oliver which obviously ollie is short for that. so i sent them a comment as they are a pretty damn good band. to which i got one of those personal messages back (hello why not just comment back geez) and it was from oliver as i was hopeing. so i sent another one back asking if it was him to which i found out it was. i asked when they are playing next and that i can get down the coast most likely even if they are playing there to his reply of sick. and that they are playing at the hard rock cafe next fri.
so right now whats goin through my mind is whether he has a gf and if id even have a chance. i hope on fri night i get the guts to ask him something as simple as if he has a gf or not its not a hard question. i guess what im worried about is the fact that im kinda liking this guy too much already and i hardly know him, so there is the chance of him already having a gf so i can kiss my chance goodbye and ill be bummed or he doesnt have a gf but is in no way interested in me so then ill be totally bummed.
GAH
this sucks ass so much. why does everything have to be so hard
|
November 24th, 2005
06:48 pm
sick
bored
sick
bored
finally gettin over my sunburn
sick
wish it was sat for wings, daylight curse and say nothing
wish i had a bf and be able to write how wonderful he is and be so happy like my friends sometimes i envy what they have
want to find something to do on new years, get totally drunk, and bring in the new years making out with someone instead of being at home and bored lol.
kinda cant wait til xmas cause of the whole 2 weeks or so of holidays, not looking forward to the being stuck with my family while i sit there and be bored at my aunts (most likely reading a book) while my sis, bro in law and niece get all the attention and i get ignored once again.
and did i mention sick
|
November 20th, 2005
08:57 pm
you know what i like about lj that i dont like about myspace is you dont have to have a subject line.
anyway i have plenty i could say but im not goin to as i might get worked up about it for no reason again so im just goin to talk about this current weekend.
now sat was the free show for mchappy day. full of emos and teenies. i did not like the first band feedtrix. the second my september were a bit more bearable. a year to remember were on then and of course i do not mind them. i had forgotten what jeremy looked like so i had to figure that out before i spoke to him haha. last was another day down and i liked them. the singer and drummer were fairly hot and the bassist wasnt all that bad either lol.
so i finally got to meet jeremy which was cool. i have always liked gettin comments from him on myspace they are always so amusing. when i first spoke to him we were beside a speaker so i had no idea what half the stuff he said was. im pretty sure i also saw the little teenies that had to get his autograph etc were death glaring me. they seemed to be attached to him the rest of the day too it was so sad/funny.
then just before we left i went to say bye cause i knew he was still there. i just walked up and casually stood there waiting while he was talkin to these other teenies that were attached to him and he was like hey hows it goin kells. strange that kells sounded so good coming from him. said a few things, then the other teenies said a few things and i kinda tuned out and started thinking about something and next thing i know jeremys like isnt that right kells and im like huh what sorry i tuned out haha my bad. had a bit more of a chat but had to go cause jason and his friend were waiting to go. so i said good bye and he said it was good to finally meet me and im like yeah and then i got a hug. i was like um ok. i like hugs sometimes and i think i really needed one due to the thing below. was good too it wasnt the usual quick pat on the back hug, it was a nice big hug which i so could go for more of lol. and yes i think i like him but i think he may have a gf still im not sure, i have never seen her so who knows.
now the reason i needed a hug is because jasons friend arthur dropped off jasons cd player and they put it in my car, arthurs mother looked familiar and i didnt know why. i then found out that arthur is walters brother. walter being one of rorys friends (or was i dont know). i had gone to walters with rory and has met his mother before. apparently she had said to arthur that i was rorys kelly and he didnt think i was but then found out she was right.
of course finding that out and dropping off arthur to walters old house brought back alot of memories. memories of rory, the time we spent together, the time we spent at walters, when walter used to alright to talk to, when walter started smoking weed and went all weird, when rory had broken up with me, the party after that they were both at and walter being stoned and drunk and telling me how he liked me, the whole rory thing that upset me so much i wanted to kill myself again.
having jason to hang around with slightly stopped those memories rushing back so much straight away that id break down but they still came so i went quiet and emo every now and then. i hate the fact that no matter how much i hate rory a small part of me still loves him. i dont know why and i wish it didnt. i used to have megan to talk to about this all the time but not as much anymore i just didnt know what to do and i still dont. i just wish i could get away from it all.
and lastly im sunburnt and it sucks. only cause i get really hot from the sunburn and i drink even more then usual which means i drink like a camel. my face hurts a tad but im keeping up the aloe vera and moisturiser so hopefully itll just go to brown like it used to like soon i hate it. i swear if i ever have anything like that to go to again im so goin to wear sunscreen and a hat.
|
October 12th, 2005
08:39 pm
oh yee haa what a day. i ask my mother to do one little thing for me while shes at the shops and get me a dvd disk so i can get this shit burnt for shaun, con and tyler so then they will stop buggin me and i can stop wasting time with it all. but do you think she can do that nnoooo. i told her i was goin to take it to my friends on tomorrow night so itll be all over and done with and then she was like did you need them today and im like yeah i told you i was goin to take it and get it over with tomorrow aaaahhhhhh she never listens to me.
then there was meant to be some big storm so i moved my car under this pathetic excuse for shelter and was freaking out about hail damaging my car and just add to the amount of shit i cant afford. so i was freaking out for an hour for it to have this pissy little hail that pretty much disolved to rain before it hit the ground from the heat.
so then i had to stop in at chermy to get these last 2 disk, went to coles, kmart and target with no luck and had to walk from one end of the shopping centre to the other with my kness screaming out in pain.
so i stopped in at the hypermarket instead and finally found some. at least i found some bloody disks so i cant get all this over with. but i think my friend is being a jerk cause i had to ask him like a million times to send at least one song over msn to con so hell stop buggin me about that. so now its seems my friends is shitty at me cause i kept buggin him cause con kept buggin me. fuck if he didnt want to do this he cld have said ages ago and i cld have found someone else maybe who cld burn this stupid footage for me.
then to add to it my knees are still killing me. my niece was being a pain. my dad was being a pain. and then some asshole wanted me to accept the webcam thing so i can watch him as if so cause i wlndt he called me an emo slut oh gee thank you sssssooooo much. i know im emo but im not a slut, jerk.
and my damn myspace is down, it had to go down right as i was sending this big comment back to my friend ggggrrrr.
on the upside it looks like ill be hanging with an old friend on sun i hope we do i miss her heaps, i miss being a dickhead and scaring people in the city with her, i miss the fun times we've had, i miss having at least one friend who really understands me, one that is really close that i can tell anything and everything too.
|
October 10th, 2005
08:12 pm
well fromt hat last post and the millions of comments i got etc im guessing no one does read it woo hoo dont i feel special NO ONE CARES yeah thats just great great great.
|
October 3rd, 2005
08:01 pm
i have to wonder does anyone actually read this ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/
|
September 23rd, 2005
10:32 pm
i hate my family so much it isnt funny. the fight that happened on sat was once again started by my dad and for no fucking reason.
sat i caught the train into the city to get my parkway ticket. i always catch it from carseldine cause its closer. my parents dropped me off but due to the winds being a bitch i said i dont even know if the trains are still goin. they normally wait until everything is ok but this day they fully drove off. so i had to wait for the railbus to catch that to zillmere and wait another 20 mins before the train even moved. then i didnt have my dads mob number so i was like fuck how am i goin to get home. finally got it from my sis. mum said to get the shorncliffe train and theyll get me at northgate. got there and no one was there to pick me up me thinking what the fuck tried to ring home to see when they had left. but no one answered at home and no one had their mobs on. finally got picked up.
when we got home mum asked my dad why no one answered. first he called me a liar cause he reckons the only time the phone rang was for jason and that obviously i musnt have called then. but i rang twice. we found out that jason was on the phone to his mum and doesnt know how to pick up the call waiting. so my mother just said how we were both right and for some reason started my dad off. there was the usual fight but worse, i dont even know why, hes such a cunt, and then he punched a wall smart one its a rented house. then he stormed out. but then my sis had to stick up for him and started a fight between all of us, even jason.
once again i was called a spoilt bitch which hurts so much. so what i dont care about my family cause they are assholes but all i have ever done is be there for all my friends, im always helping, always there for other people, i always put other peoples feelings before my own, just to have none of it returned when i needed someone. if anything the one thing i can not forgive is if someone calls me a spoilt bitch. everything i have i worked fucking hard for, ive been through more then they know.
my sis reckons that my mother has paid more attention, or tried to give me more love cause of how i dont get it from the rest of my family. my sis has always been the fav to everyone, shes perfect she can do no wrong according to them and im just the black sheep. no one likes me cause i have an opinion im not some clone, i also express those opinions i dont let assholes like my uncle walk over me. ever since i was born no one wanted anything to do with me. whenever i was dragged to those stupid family things i was always sitting down being bored out of my mind while my sis was up talkin to everyone and dancing. thats why i stopped goin. no one wanted me there so i thought why should i go ill just be bored. but see i always just thought how id be bored i never really thought about how no one in my family cept maybe my mum cares about me, how no one loves me. is that why i can never hold a relationship, is that why no one likes me cause maybe i dont really know how to love anyone as i was never really loved by my family.
tonight they went to karaoke with one of my uncles. they asked if i was goin to go and i said id have to think about it cause id have to check my money and also think if id be too tired or not. i have to get up earlyish tomorrow. when i said this to my sis the first thing she said was you can stay here and look after taylor in other words she didnt want me to come. no one wanted me there it was obvious. so i just decided fine ill stay home and be with someone who at least wants me around and seem to care about me. my niece may be only 2 but shes the only one in the family who likes me, who i like and i get along with. i get along with my mum but we have our fights too. guess thats definitly why they say you can choose your friends but you cant choose your family. so fucking true. plus i always thought i was adopted, i wish i was so i could go find my real family and get the fuck out of here
|
10:20 pm
Due to gettin viruses and spyware on my comp i didnt have a computer for a few days only thing i cld do on sun and mon night was go onto msn go figure. it seems like its fixed now and it better be. the funny thing is it didnt make any diff being off for a bit. i came back to 2 comments, one friend request only cause she was changing her myspace and one event invite which im already goin too anyway.
so sat i went to the unplugged show. i didnt really want to go cause i wasnt in the mood after having yet another fight with the fam but at the same time due to that fight i also wanted to get out of my house and was the only place to go. got lost basically twice, the first time i turned down a wrong street, the second i was right next to it but didnt notice it when i was driving past. so many people i knew there was good. gave ray a keyring for his bday lol its all i had and it was batman so meh. the formerly known as her parachute is missing were good, laughed so much when they played that gwen stefani song. i love my friends so much if it wasnt for them i dont know what id do. chrissy and jaykob are crack ups they both rock.
i had also found out that one person i had stupidly called my friend one time was talkin about me behind my back. i have to wonder what else she has told this person who is still my friend. ok so i told this once friend about something with me and this other friend, so then after the once friend and i stopped being friends she went and told my friend that i had told her. and now my friend is like please dont tlak about it to other people as i dont like anyone else knowing my private life hhmmm well heres a point for one its my fucking life too and i figure if i need to talk to someone dont i have the right as it involved me as well. too bad if that made no sense i dont care.
last night was parkway drive. i was goin to go to the all ages on fri but stupid me didnt get my ticket and they sold out so i thought fuck it im not missing parkway ill just be tired at work today. was worth it for sure. nathan was there so i had someone to hang with yayzers. chris and jsut about everyone was there too. ellie is a cool chicky. cross the lips of grace were first and were good like last time. i got like 2 pics haha. later i tried to get one of mourning tide but just when there was no fat head in my way in the pit i started to take a pic then they went crazy and i went flying back to take a pic of the roof woo. the parkway pit was brutal like i thought it was goin to be. i got slightly hit in the head but nothing bad. i also cldnt see a thing with all the tall fucks in front of me. james ended up cutting his hand and having to get stitches. he was such a crackup though, his hand is pissin out blood and hes yakking away was so good.
today im tired as shit i got home after midnight, got something to eat, crashed like straight away, just to get up at 6.40am to go to work.
i also realised another way to tell who your true friends are last night. by the way they react when you dont agree on something and voice a negative opinion about something they love. like for example the used, heck i love the used (well their music anyway) but when i saw them live i was sorely dissappointed and being me i expressed this but of course to some people that was a omg blasphemy thing. so now one ah friend doesnt talk to me but really i dont care shes a poser and the biggest fuckin teenie in the world shame others cant see that yet, the other person i saw last night i was right there in front of her but do you think she said anything. ive spoken to her a few times recently but not like before the whole used bullshit. i dont get invited to the depot anymore or anything like that just cause i had something negative to say. really if they were true friends they wldnt let a difference of opinion ruin the friendship. fuck nathan doesnt like funeral and stated that last night but i dont care, con bags out hardcore but i find it amusing. all i can say to those people is get the fuck over it.
well thats it for now im sure if anyone got this far you must be bored. hope you all had fun reading the next instalment of kelly rambling about shit cause she had no comp for 2 or 3 days and was bored. but hey i went for a walk and looked up at the beautiful stars so that was a bonus
|
September 12th, 2005
09:27 pm
The Avalon Drive ep launch was last night. was bored as fuck at first i wanted to shoot myself with the first band that played that no offence but i cant stand them. and all the teenies ah i knew there would be heaps but aahhhh and the ones that cant get their own fucking look and have to copy people like gerard from mcr. i also forgot my converse so i had to wear the shitty chunky shoes from work, and i forgot my digi cam which i was kicking myself for cause i saw sssoooooo many good pic opportunities
lauren finally came and made it more interesting. we went to get some food i had some of her chips. i freaked her friends out cause i was so damn bored i was goin insane. laurens friend jason was pretty nice ended up hanging with him the rest of the night seen as lauren LEFT after ONE avalon song :o a year to remember werent bad. i was sittin on the side of the stage got bored and yelled out play woo and the bass player gave me a badge which turned out to be his badge so swapped me one of theirs for his back but his was better haha damn.
avalon were awesome again i always like them. i cant believe that guys vocals fuck man its amazing how he just held that note so perfect i mean i know many chicks who can do it but i havent really seen all that many guys. good show indeed. they were the only reason i went. havent listened to the ep yet or watched the dvd but i will. wil is awesome nice guy to talk to. and he gave me a pic, thanks wil, its goin into my collection along with my other 30 or so pics i have. never got a chance to say hi to ryan every time i saw him i got distracted by something else and lost him again.
and ah wil is so hot and nice and id have him in a second if he was crazy enough to be interested in me which he so never would i mean why would he. i know he lives at bowen hills so thats at least closer to me then what this other dude im half interested in is. i know where wil works now too i can so easily just go there and say i was visiting my friends and i totally forgot he worked there haha. i have 2 other friends who work in the same shopping centre as him. i got called a groupie by someone i talk to and i was like hey im not a groupie its not like i asked for him to give me a guitar pic. i only wanted to know if he was the one from prom queen who i remember stared at me most likely cause i was staring at ryan trying to remember who he was lol. then i decided to ask how long hes been playing the guitar. and how much ryan eats lol. on his myspace it said he dont have a gf but he hasnt been on for awhile so that cld have changed and i mean hello hes hot hes in a band hes got all these chicks following him around im sure he can have any chick he wants.
today i had my friend carlys wedding. ive known carly for 11 years and craig beats me how long but hes become part of the family too lol. carly looked so beautiful and as always with those two there were lots of laughs involved. almost made me think that i would like to get married and get dressed up in a gorgeous dress and have someone special like that. ALMOST. but it still makes me think more how i wish i had someone special like they have or like so many people i know have. it sucks being single sometimes.
the only thing i didnt like is that i missed the disables cd launch. even though i went to their instore already have the cd and found that it just doesnt seem/sound like the disables its still the disables cd launch. the damn food took ages to be all done and i didnt want to leave half way through when they had paid for all of it that would just be totally rude. so no matter how much i wanted to go by the time we even got to the orient there wouldnt have been much point goin. not happy but shit happens.
|
September 7th, 2005
09:09 pm
you know whoever said "its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" must have been on crack.
i truthfully sometimes wish i never had loved because then it wouldnt be so hard on me still.
its more painful loving someone and losing them to never love at all as you dont know that feeling and you dont know the feeling of hurt afterwards when your heart is split in two for eternity never to be fully repaired, always suffering, always breaking again.
|
08:24 pm - bitch of a day bitch of a week
the week isnt even over yet and i hate it already. between work being jerks cause of me being late a few times due to traffic and me living an hour away. well actually its only about 35 mins away but during peek hour its an hour. not to mention the fact that im running out of owrk AGAIN. its shitting me off. at the beginning i didnt have much to do, then it finally got busy after the financial year and now its slow again. i so need a new job or something good to happen so we can start our own business.
im also sick of dickhead drivers. like today fuck when i had to get the mail the post office is such a bitch to get out of its so dangerous you cant see either way of the road properly but i sat there for half a year like i always do making sure its safe looked left and right lol there was nothing so i went out next thing you know theres some blue car up my ass beeping me. the only thing i can figure is that he must have pulled out from the side of the road or another car park on the other side cause he was so not there. and then the cunt was beeping me all the way up the road. and then theres the trucks who cant stay in their own fucking lane, lucky im cautious of trucks since i was almost hit by one.
i also have a headache due to me being tired and the smell of my shampoo wasnt helping much either. plus my hair smell was making me feel sick. great day it was. of course i get home my dad is being a fuckwit yet again for like 3rd time this week. my mother is goin off about the neighbours and their conspiracies like always and so not helping my head.
its been fight city with my dad again cause i wanted this gangster type hat we finally found one it fit perfect in the store, fit round my smallass head and wasnt too tall but the jerks wldnt sell that one to me (it was a costume store) but would order one in. that came in but it was a cm too big on my head and was way too fucking tall was nothing like the one i tried on. we asked if we cld swap it for the one in the store but supposedly it went missing. the lady in the store was a complete bitch we think its cause she wasnt happy that i didnt like the one she ordered. mum was like that they have probably changed manfaturers or they make them diff now cause of how old the hat well i think by rights the dumbasses in the store should have known that. so because of the crap with this hat its started dad on his i know everything rampage and when i have something to say back (which i usually do) it ends in fights and me hating him again.
would you believe though after all that bullshit we found one thats not felt but still good enough for $5 from crazy clarks. itll do for now. at least now my outfit for the wedding will be radcore on sat again.
and last but not least with me being so tired for some reason its made me emo again. last night i was thinking about the fight i had with my aunt and the stuff she said to me about me being a spoilt bitch and everything which made me cry again wondering does everyone see me that way. am i really spoilt even though many times i have put others before myself. but that didnt really get me anywhere just lost friends, heartache and me wishing i had just died when my uncle threw me in the pool when i was 2, wishing that my dad hadnt jumped in and saved me. then today i started thinking about how lonely i feel sometimes. even with my friends who i love to death and wldnt trade for a millions bfs im still lonely. i just i wish i had someone to put their arms around me and hold me and never let go. someone who cares about me and i care about too. someone to be close too again.
i dont have anyone special, i dont have a best friend i can tell everything too and just stay up talkin to about anything and who understands me better then anyone in the whole world (not anymore), i dont have a loving family, i dont really have anything special like that. i have my music but even that aint as great as i wish i cld be as the only thing i want the most in this world is to have a band and get the fuck out of here touring seeing the world while doin the one thing ive always loved, the one thing that has always been there, and one of the main things that helped me along with chris 4 years ago. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i had drowned when i was 2, or if i had just taken my life when i was 17. i wonder what would have happened without my influence to change history in some aspects. sometimes i reckon life would have been better off for everyone without me.
|
September 2nd, 2005
09:32 pm
hhmmmm well strange thing is this dude from logan ive been talkin too im still like ah i want to talk to him all the time. so today when i was at work i went onto msn just to see if he was online, which im not even sure im allowed too but they have it installed for some reason.
so i was talkin to him in between doin my work and making sure no one saw i was chattin on msn. was having a nice little chatsee. hes sick which must suck ass. then he went to have lunch which was alright timing cause i was about to go on mine too. then after lunch and after doin my relief reception thing i went back on and he was on again so i was talkin to him again. beforehand i didnt sat goodbye cause i was tryin to sort out a photocopier prob and didnt get his mess so i apologised and he was like your forgiven oh gee thanks. but the second time i said bye and said how id be online when i got home like usual.
so when i got home he wasnt on but he came on later and i had yet another convo with him. he reckons hes boring which he so isnt i kinda slowly stop talkin to people who are boring. im just trying to get him to talk more. but yeah anyway i dont know why im so like ah about talkin to him ive never even met him and i mean why would he be interested in me i talk to much im annoying fuck i annoy myself its not like im pretty or anything and i mean if its really him in those pics hes hot and as if anyone whos actually hot would like me
obviously after out little disagreement on them being assholes for leaving me twice ray is not talkin to me. i tried talkin to him again cause i didnt want to lose yet another friend but it just isnt the same and now he isnt talkin to me at all. oh well i think ive definitly lost him and that hurts. in one way i have megan back as a friend at least we are talkin but the attempts to hang out dont seem to be happening.
on a lighter note i woke up this morning and found i had an sms and im like um ok i didnt hear that go off and found it was from danny. that guy is a classic. his mess went something like this 'im trashed in melbourne and your fucking rad' haha i pissed myself laughing when i read that what i great way to start your day shame it had to be ruined by having to drive for an hour just to go to stupid work. best mess ever i hope their recording is goin well down there.
|
08:49 pm - im bored
SURVEY! ( Read more... )
|
August 31st, 2005
08:53 pm
im so fucking bored right now i think i might just go watch tv soon. im not in the mood to really send many comments etc to anyone on myspace fuck em they can comment me first for once. id write a blog on myspace but nothing interesting has really happened and im not one to put useless bullshit cept on here haha.
the only thing is how much i hate my job. i thought id get used to the 1 hour drive there and home again but im not im hatin to more. i cant even take chris's class when he needs me too and that shitted me off more when ever i think of that. i wanted a job on this side of town but no. the only thing im willing to travel for is a show not for work everyday. and then i had the talk to today. i knew thered be something wrong as if there is ever something good. apparently there have been some customers who have said about my phone manner i dont see any prob unless they think i dont sound friendly enough but im not one to have a full on over the top fake friendly voice im professional. but then i had some old lady who i tried to explain something too and she didnt understand so i had to give her to someone else who said what i had explained in the same way and she got it i was like what the? and this other asshole old guy who reckons i didnt send a mess to someone to call em back fuck that. and then of course there is me being late. for one i cant control the fucking traffic some days its clear and i get there like 10 mins early i have nothing else to do so they get 10 mins extra work from me without me being paid for it. i can leave earlier too and still be late cause the traffic can be that bad at that time in the morning. but its not like im overly late only 10 mins at most and it isnt all the time either. that and when i first started there i was thinking what the fuck and then i found out that their clocks are all 5 mins fast so even though i was on time on my watch according to them i was late. one of them said try gettin up half an hour earlier and leaving half an hour earlier for one i have to share the bathroom with my sis she has the shower at that time in the morning. two im not a morning person im lucky to even get up at the time i do now. three do they really want a mindless zombie walkin around not doin her job properly cause shes that tired. four id be that tired i wouldnt be concentrating on the road as well which could possibly result in a accident with all these crazy fucks on the road and last but not least id get there half an hour early what the fuck would i do in that time. im not happy i have to look for another job even though i dont like the idea of being there 2 months and saying fuck yas.
the only other thing thats on my mind is this guy ive been talkin to online. he lives at like logan and plays the guitar. he seems pretty cool so far been having good convos with him with me doin most of the talkin though. i decided to ask all the boring useless questions like what your fav colour. he didnt mind them cause its something to do as he put it. it was kinda funny i asked what colours he likes and he told me then asked mine so i told him and he was like i dont like blue or red and im like well i dont like green or yellow i think it is haha. we've been having some good laughs. only thing is hes younger then me hes like 19 why do i seem to go for the younger oens. but he has a lip ring aahh no fair im a sucker for lip rings. for some reason i told him they are cool and that i think they are hot go figure. i also found out that hes single and that his last gf was like really clingy wanting to know what he was doin all the time and his every move basically how nuts who cares i mean as long as they arent gettin up to no good who gives haha. but yeah im tryin got get him to come to the charged fest on sat so i can meet the dude. ive gotten that way that i just come online to see if hes on and only stay on hopeing hed come on cause i enjoy our convos so much its weird.
i also seem to have dreams of where i have this totally amazing bf and i fully kiss him in front of rory and just be all happy and shit. and that rory gets like jealous/pissed off that im so happy and no matter what he says he cant make me miserable like he usually does diggin up past memories when i see him. i try to ignore the fucker but he always says something to me. i always dream too that i tell him off tell him to get over himself and that hes just a poser and for him to stop talkin to me because i dont associate with posers just in case the poser disease rubs off on me. the thing that i dont get though is why would i dream of him being jealous or pissed off about me having some awesome guy and being so happy as if hed care and why would he be jealous i dont get that part but in one way i like those dreams as i would so like to give it to him. it seems i have pulled some new found confidence out of thin air by asking if i can have this disables poster form rockinghorse which everone does but i never do and just talkin so easily to random people and jud and pete and eddie from the dsiables so maybe one day ill have that opportunity to show rory that even though it still cuts me up that it doesnt control my life and that im happy without him and that i am fully over him but that he shld get over himself and how he is just a poser and that if he didnt go out with me he wouldnt be hanging with his little following of posers hed still be back where he was looking like a geek smoking his weed. if only.
the thing that will not happen is to have some amazing guy its a fairytale for me anyway. it seems some of my friends have found the perfect person for them like sarah and lauren. i have never really had that, i wish i could have but i doubt i ever truely will have that
|
August 25th, 2005
08:03 pm
ok so im lazy and im just goin to copy and paste the next bit from myspace if i can get the damn thing to work haha.
that was such a good show. it was boring at first standing outside with all the other kids waiting for the doors to open. its amazing how many dress up like the sterotypical hardcore style i mean who fucking cares what your wearing your there to see a band. i didnt have a headband so i was out of place haha fuck. its like hardcore clones trying to be diff everywhere.
anyway moving along. getaway plan were first they were alright. miles away next awesome. lots of kids gettin up on the stage and jumping into the crowd duckin fun time that was.
bce were next cldnt wait for them. been dying to see them again since rapid. bloody awesome performance. they played just about all the songs on their ep so i was happy and some new shit and old shit but what made my day is they played empty promises which is my fav. took lots of pics will have to see how they turned out.
prom queen next. took even more pics but then my stupid ass camera died damn batteries. thought that the piano thing i was sittin on was gonna go a few times cause the kids were goin so nuts it was shaking. it was great for takin pics cause the lead singer dude (crafter i think) kept like lookin straight at me and kept coming right over to where i was so i cld get some fairly decent pics so he rocked hardcore for that. met more new people all very nice you all rock. i felt like a groupie cause my pic was taken with the bass player from prom queen but oh well it was cool.
ok so the next day i went shopping with the parentals dragged them around the whole of the myer centre trying to find this dress for my friends wedding apparently it wasnt even a dress it was a fucking skirt and top and they just put it on the damn dummy so it would look like a dress damn them. but then i found this way better dress somewhere else and cost me less. i got my hat on order to i finally found one. its only $15 less but better then nothing i guess. so im goin to be wearing my black dress with my high heels i wore to my formal that like strap up ur leg and my hat to make it stylish but me at the same time.
work sucks i hate it.
ive started talking to another new person on myspace/msn he actually asked for my msn like straight away coolies then i can talk to him more. from his pic on myspace he looks alright but yeah anyway. so far hes pretty cool. for some reason though ive started to hope hes online i like fly home frm work and come on hopeing hes on or will be on. my question is why ive only just started talkin to him i dont know him and ive never met him strange.
i did used to be that way with this other guy that i have actually met and he lives like near me in boring lil bracken ridge. now this guy ive started to like the more i got to know him the more i liked him but do you think hes interested in me NO. he keeps sayin he wants a gf but hes one that wants the really pretty ones that he most likely will never have. i mean hes cute but he isnt like melt worthy cute like some guys i know. i saw his comment to some other chick and he said how shes like cute or whateva and im like what shes not really that pretty i mean im not like the best but i mean really this chick was so not pretty i know girls a thousand times prettier.
meh guys who needs em
|
August 16th, 2005
07:35 pm
im so friggin emo right now i have been for 2 days now. i was watching some movie a typical girl meets boy girl falls in love other stuff happens that splits them apart but its always a happy ending with sappy music, them being happy and kissing and then i went emo. ive been thinking lately alot how lonely i can get.
i love my friends and i spend just about every weekend with them but still theres the nights in between during the week when im at home sitting on myspace cursing how i have no comments again cause i hate watching tv, no one ever calls me, i cant go out late cause of fucking work and no one ever comes around. the only 2 people who have been into my house is megan and kirsty the rest have either picked/ dropped me off or dont even know where i live. half of them wldnt even know i live at bracken ridge now.
then theres the fact that i havent had a real relationship since rory which is saying something. there was tom after that but that only lasted less then 2 wks cause he bored me to death. i know having a bf isnt everything but man it would be nice to have what others have. i hate seeing happy couples laughing and mucking round and just being together having someone special i HATE it.
i think thats the main cause of my emoness. ever since i watched that stupid fuckin movie ive been so down. i even almost cried on the way to work only cause im sick of work, im sick of driving so fuckin far every day, im sick of the fact that i cant take chris's class anymore when he needs me to cause i dont even get back home until after 6, im sick of stupid ass crazy dickhead drivers.
then i start thinking about all my faults in my looks and in my personality. i start thinking of why people not just guys but why my friends dont like me. i realise i have to grow up but i dont want to cause whats the point i dont want to be some stuffy boring stuck in a dead end job person. i want to have fun, i want a life, I WANT A BAND, i just want my music. but if i supposedly grow up wldnt that be changing myself for others when i shldnt give a rats ass what others think of me?
im once again thinking about whether my friends really do like me or am i just some annoying person whos meant to be an adult but acts like a kid and has a very short temper especially lately since i havent been to tkd and my sis got back. do they really want to hang out with me or am i just baggage that wont go away? it also makes me wonder what people really do think of me beneath the surface who knows what lies there, what thoughts are there. people dont tell the truth cause they dont want to face conflict if they do tell that truth for once and its not what the person wanted to hear. then it makes me wonder if there is some guy out there that is cray enough to like me. but if so then why hasnt he said anything yet? is there really that someone special out there for me like everyone says? or is that just fantasy? but if there is someone special then i think it sucks that we have to wait so fucking long for them why cant they come now when i really would like to have someone and am more open to working on a relationship then what i have been in the past.
i know all that is running through my head constantly and im fully emo right now but is that whats making me emo? or is it something else thats in my unconscious mind? i keep being asked why im emo and i just say i dont know. i said how ive been thinking about alot of stuff lately and was told that maybe im thinking the wrong things. but am i thinking the wrong things? how do we know we are thinking the wrong things? maybe what we are thinking about may seem wrong to us cause of how they make us feel but maybe they are the right things to think about cause it brings things into perspective. or maybe everything the good and bad is the wrong thing to think about. or maybe the good and the bad are the right things to think about and we dont really have anything wrong to think about. i dont even know if half of that made sense but oh well.
ive noticed alot of my friends also have one person that they spend like all their time with the one best friend. it also makes me think how i used to have that with megan how every time you saw us we were always together laughing having fun being ocmplete dickheads. thats all changed now and i dont have that anymore with anyone. i think no matter how close i am to my friends none of them will ever understand me as much. maybe thats the cause of my emoness lost friends.
the one thing that does seem to cheer me up is when i think about prom queen and bce on fri and think how ive been waiting for this for a few weeks now. and then chaos and how i finally get to see funeral for a friend woo hoo so cant wait for that one. maybe i should start thinking about my music more and more and fill up my thoughts even more then it does now and not think about anything else except for that then i might be happier. who knows
|
August 5th, 2005
08:15 pm - If You Ever
I want you to know
How much you mean to me
Although you dont know it
Your like a best friend
Your one of a kind
So i never want to lose you
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on
Ill be there
If you ever need to talk
Ill be there
Whatever it is, however you feel
Ill be there
No one understands me like you do
No one really cares
You were there forr me
So ill be there for you
When i thought i had no one
You came and made me realise
That the best friends
You could ever have
Are right in front of your eyes
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on
Ill be there
If you ever need to talk
Ill be there
Whatever it is, however you feel
Ill be there
Now you need me
Although you push me aside
Ill always be there
When you need to cry
You wont talk to me right now
But thats your choice
And im hopeing one day
Youll come and confide in me
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on
Ill be there
If you ever need to talk
Ill be there
Whatever it is, however you feel
Ill be there
Amazing i was thinking back on old times with old friends and i read through some old stuff i wrote during those times. It got me thinking how i only wrote that last year for my friends when i was goin through a really hard time and now all those friends are gone. One by one they slowly went. It was written for 3 in particular, one of them changed so much it was like i didnt know him anymore, the other just went away and i never see him either, and the third the one i had been friends with the longest and was the hardest to lose is still around but something had died in our friendship. Maybe ive grown up more and realise that she is just a kid. maybe time has just torn us apart. We used to the best of friends we could look at each other and know what the other was thinking, id spend every weekend at her house to get away from my family. But now all that is in the past. It pains me to lose such a good friend. It doesnt seem relevant now all those words above as the ones who it was written for are just a memory
but thats why im thankful that i have the friends i have now. i love them all so much and every day im glad i have them
|
August 1st, 2005
07:41 pm
|
July 24th, 2005
05:09 pm - slain of myself last night
was so fucking good was an awesome show shame they are calling it quits lets hope they change their mind or something. anyway caught the train in which sucks catching it by youself but there was a hot guy sitting down a bit from me so it wasnt all that bad. found nat first when we were walkin up the stairs was pretty funny we both were thinking dont i know you.
went into the rev found others nathan and elly saying how they too are planning to get drunk, simon shining some torchy thing in my face cause i didnt say hi straight away lol. got beer was shit only drank half. left cause was told the first band is shit and went to see swine play at the orient will have pics up soon. was heaps fun love all those guys heaps. i still want your guitar con haha. laurens the best love ya girly. had more beer. got call from mindy woops my bad i wasnt at the rev. finally left to go back to rev.chris is the best for driving us.
next band wasnt bad. i think that was from these wounds which is why they werent bad haha. more beer. lots of loud drunkenness. brett calling everyone a slut or whore mainly me. threatened to pour beer on my head damn you. found ray and mindy. i was goin towards drunk. even more beer. met more people you all rock. then slain played. i stood on a couch and watched and cheered and took random pics which i dont know how they turned out yet, almost fell off a few times.
asked who was goin to the depot found out slappies, simon, brian and everyone were goin. said goodbye to the others who werent goin. mindy told us of some place that has cheap drinks when the manager isnt there so we were all like hell yes lets go but just had to round up the crew and say byes to all. took a bit longer for them to all move which is the point where i got dissapointed in the those 2 i thought were my friends cause we had no idea where this place was and because they had no patience to wait for 5 bloody mins they walked off without me so i ran after them and was like hello cant you friggin wait but my friends were mucking round too much sorry that they just wanted to say bye to our other friends so i went back to slappies to collect the crew got back to where i left ray and mindy and once again were gone was not happy thats twice they have left me now.
tried to find this place but cldnt rang wasnt happy cldnt hear hergave up and hung up. tried again when it was more quiet her friend wasnt there anyway so we werent goin more to be unhappy about. so we went somewhere else that had 2 for 1 drinks. was shit but had some bourbon. then decided to go to the depot. ray and mindy were once again like ill be there soon was there for 2 hours and didnt see them i was just happy i was with everyone else. brian and slappies are the best cause they gave me a sip of whateva the hell they were drinking. had nice talk to this chicky who i cant remember her name but she was nice as and fully agreed with me about them leaving me like that. i wld have waited for them and their friends to say goodbye if it was me i wldnt have just walked off like that when we had no idea where we were meant to go. due to me coming down from the alcohol later i was more upset about it all thinking more how they arent very good friends to do that.
decided i was to depressed by that time and tired plus was meant to be goin to movie world today so rang parents and told them to get me they wld be half an hour. smsd mindy to see if they were even there said they were at the pool tables where she normally is hello there are like 3 sections of pool tables and ive only met you once there before and you werent where i met you last time. told ray slightly how unhappy i was. but i dont think he fully understood how upset i was that they did this to me AGAIN. came home and crashed. didnt end up goin to movieworld cause its meant to rain. so i got to sleep in until like 1pm which was so good as i didnt want to get up back to my thoughts and thinking once again how good slan were and how much of a good time i had but was slightly ruined to uncaring friends. its like they didnt even care that i was upset about them just leaving me cause my other friends were taking a bit longer. it made me think it was more mindy then anything unless i really dont know ray very well cause i thought he wldnt be that much of an asshole to me like that so much for the best friend thing. mind you if he was my best friend he wld have told mindy to just wait for me so obviously i was wrong.
my last words for this is slappies, brian, nathan and chris are the best and are all legends and i love yas all. actually i love all my friends from last night that i have been hanging out with the last 2 or 3 weeks with the exception of a few. ok so it was long boring and with some emo parts if you got this far you must have been bored and i thank you for reading all my ramblings again i know im not really very interesting. later i will put those pics up that i took well any that turned out anyway i was just a tad drunklol.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
almighty_pingu's journal